So, I've been a medical assistant for the past three years. For those of you who are not familiar, the medical assistant is the person who brings you back for your appointments, takes your blood pressure, gives you shots, and who you probably think is already a nurse. We're not nurses. That's why I have to go to school in August. Over the years there have been a lot of really good patients, who I will miss, and some pretty terrible patients, whom I will attempt to forget but who will doubtlessly haunt me for the rest of my life. The kind of patient that, when you see them on the schedule, you just cringe and consider going home sick. You don't want to be that kind of patient, now do you? Of course not. So, here is my tutorial, my instructions for proper conduct in the doctor's office: Wait patiently and do what you are told. That's it. So simple. And yet, I fear I will need to go into specifics. Here we go:
The waiting room: Please, please come to your appointment on time and with the expectation that you will wait, because you will. Bring a book, a puzzle, an iPod, anything to prepare yourselves for this. Keep a jacket with you, it might be cold, and wear a t-shirt under your sweater because it may be hot as well. And for goodness sake, don't stand there with your arms crossed looking ready to lose it if the next name called is not yours. It only irritates us, and frankly I will avoid calling your name as long as I can just to teach you a lesson. True story.
Your vitals: Getting your vitals is the primary job of any medical assistant, and as such we take it pretty seriously. Every vital, every time. When I ask you to weigh, just step up there. Don't give me excuses as to why you don't want to weigh like, "I just ate," or "my shoes are really heavy." Fine. Take off your shoes, and I'm sorry but those kankles didn't develop over lunch (I say that because it's usually my obese patients that don't want to weigh, and especially you ladies. Can I be brutally honest here? I don't need a number to see that you're overweight, what I need is a number to put in the computer because it won't accept the word "fat." I've tried).
In the room: Here's where I get your pulse and blood pressure. Please, no need to remind me what size cuff you need. I've been doing this every day, 30 times a day for three years, I think I can figure it out. And when we go over your med list, it would be helpful if you actually knew what meds you were taking. Keep a list. If you don't have a list, ask for one, then take it home and make sure it matches what you're taking, because it's kind of important.
Waiting in the room: Here's where that book comes in handy again, because yes you will wait for the doctor, again. Just calm yourself down.
With the doctor: Do not, I repeat do not come in to my doctor's office saying you have a sore throat and then tell the doctor that you've also been depressed, nauseated, dizzy and coming down with a nasty rash all over your body. And that you want STD testing. And that you might be ADD. I think you get what I'm driving at here: tell us why you're coming in. All the reasons why, because it's people like you who get in there and instead of the easy ten minutes fix we scheduled you for, you become a surprise 30 minute patient that has now put my doctor 20 minutes behind. People like you are the reason you wait so long.
Going home: Do what the doctor told you to do. I'm serious. Take the medication he told you to take, eat the food he told you to eat, do the exercises he told you to do - if you don't you'll be back in here in no time complaining that nothing we did for you last time worked. Well, you know, it's your body. Take some responsibility.
So, like I said, wait patiently and do what you're told. We're not building a rocket here, people. And as you make the changes necessary to mend your dastardly ways, you will find that the whole experience of going to the doctor will be a much pleasanter one, for all involved.
[/caption]